Trust is something I have learned is dangerous. Good things never happen to me without coming with a catch. Something nice comes and bam I get nailed with a million complications. I don’t look forward to the good side, because it always comes wrapped up with strings. Ones I don’t want to deal with. That’s the reason I named my cats Karma and Jinx; they are always there waiting to pounce.
When good news arrives or when I package is delivered, I hold my breath. Waiting for someone to rush up and take it back, or you can have what you need, you just have to jump through the three burning hoops over there. I treat every phone call like it is a telemarketer trying to sell me some absurd item that, according to them, I can’t live without.
I’ve been on my own for nearly a year. I’ve had no one to depend on, no one to rescue me, no one to turn to when things go wrong. So, I accept what’s offered waiting for the strings that are surely attached. There’s always something I need to do before I get the items I most need. Not that I mind working towards anything. I was brought up to work hard for what you want and that still rings true.
However, most recently each gift has had its challenges. If I wanted it I had to spend the day with Alex endlessly shopping, or should I say shop lifting. Afterwards I would get a litany of “I did this for you, so…..” It’s exhausting. If I didn’t provide what I was asked to, my life would fold up into nothing and leave me empty holding an item I had to work harder for than just buying it myself. I have been conditioned from childhood to be hypervigilant, to never expect anything to happen cleanly, or given freely. There’s danger in the unknown and I never know what was attached to Alex’s gifts or supposed kindnesses.
Now, as I start to rebuild and find a rhythm in my new life I’m always worried. In my experience, people haven’t always been very kind. There is always a catch and before accepting anything with a smile, I search the bearers’ eyes and body language for any sign of “ha ha I was only joking”. I’m used to getting nailed by Karma so I naturally assume that I’m going to get cut down at the knees if I accept. I want the good, the hard-earned perks in life, I really do but when they come, even after working my ass off for them I hold my gratitude back and reserve it for the moment I’m sure it isn’t going to self-destruct.
At this point of my journey I pause and take a breath first before the doubt creeps in. Waiting for the “just in case”. I have encountered some very generous people. Ones willing to help without requirements. Ones who give you the shirt off their back, just because they want to. Not for anything except possibly a thank you. The learning curve is immense, and I’m only just reaching the half way point.
I’m behind on my rent, something that I’ve been late on every month I’ve lived here. Each month I text the landlord what I was able to deposit towards my rent and when the next amount will be coming. Each time I hit send I hold my breath and wait for a response that as of yet I haven’t received. The landlord thanks me for my continued effort and tells me to have a good day. I’m waiting for the day he says “it’s all or nothing”. That hasn’t happened and I’m starting to feel safer here, although I still have a ways to go before I’m all caught up.
I was raised to believe that hard work produced results, but those results always had a hook and you needed to watch out it didn’t catch you off guard. One day I’d like to wake up without bracing for impact. Just once. Soon, I hope.
Trusting slowly. Flinching always. Learning anyway,
K.